hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
