fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
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