It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
Randomize
