Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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