Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
