I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
Randomize
