I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
