I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
