Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
Randomize
