Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
