I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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