Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
shes got a really nice body. but her face is eh.
you dont need a face to have sex
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Randomize
