Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
I'm scared at the amount of beastiality in this conversation.
She even gives head with a lisp.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
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