wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
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