So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Randomize
