I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
But break dance skills will only take you so far
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
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