your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
Randomize
