I wish I only lived at night.
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
seeing two hook-ups in tagged in the same picture will send chills down anyone's spine.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
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