so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
