I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
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