He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
Randomize
