I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
Randomize
