my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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