John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Randomize
