I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
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