I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Randomize
