I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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