oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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