I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
Question: Would it be wrong to just fuck both of them and decide who to date one performance of their cocks?
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Randomize
