After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick picks sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL.
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Randomize
