woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
