maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
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