are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
You are a genius and a whore.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Randomize
