Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
Don't use my boy Weezy to support your whoreish tendencies.
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize
