I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
Randomize
