I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
Randomize
