That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
