Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Randomize
