Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
Of course I have a pirate flag
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Randomize
