a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
Randomize
