I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
