My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
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