At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
Randomize
