the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Randomize
