if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
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