I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
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