my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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