that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
