If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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