Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
