I think I died a long time ago.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
Randomize
