someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
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